I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
