Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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