You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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