i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
