My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
