just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize