The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
