The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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