3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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