If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize