I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
