bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I checked into jail on foursquare
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
