Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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