God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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