She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
