you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
