Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
