Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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