Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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