sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
