i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
