Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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