mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just cropdusted the office
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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