I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize