He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
