If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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