My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
