Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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