dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
