i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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