let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
