I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
