these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
