Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
