I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
