Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
