i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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