I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Are my feet made of real feet?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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