now i know why i became what i already was.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think your dad took our porno
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
