thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
