The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
