you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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