Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
