The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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