you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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