Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
