i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
