he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drunk is not a location!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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