my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
