your thong is hanging out like whoa
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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