What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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