i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
