Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
