fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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