My Higher Power is John Stamos
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
