do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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