What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
