My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
