Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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