I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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