Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
